While living in New York, I was working from home and Angelo was looking for a job. The entire time we were in New York he absolutely could not find any work! It was very frustrating. Looooong story short around the month of December 2010, he accepted an opportunity to train as a Police Officer in West Texas. Right before leaving to report to his new job in Texas, I received a shocking e-mail from my place of work that I was to be laid off! Wow! It was a jaw-dropping "what the heck is going on" moment to say the least. Our youngest daughter and I followed behind and met him there in West TX towards the end of February and we began all over again for the 2nd move in less than a year. As my brother would say, I'm totally giving you the "Reader's Digest" version here so bear with me.
Even now as I write this I am having difficulty expressing myself; trying to sort out what to write, what not to write and how to make sure I'm making sense for you the reader. I was looking back at my last few posts in the blog and was noticing how "encouraging" I sounded and positive and how in spite of my own personal pain was quoting scripture and coming across so very Christian like! (For the record, I'm not being sarcastic here but just trying to be real, not that I haven't been and wasn't with previous posts. I was very sincere and correct with what I have written but I want to take care not to keep the "step child" hidden under the staircase either. I hope that makes sense.) What I mean is I want to be fair and show a raw side of my own self.
I don't know about you but sometimes there is so much positive preachy thinking in blogs and social media sites these days from us believer's in Christ it gets to the point where we all come across too untouchable or too perfect or too "blessed" or too "nothing bothers me and if it does it's ok because I'm at peace or God's Got It!" Know what I mean? I stress yet again that I mean no disrespect, but only to be introspective and reflective of my own experiences.
Sometimes, just maybe. . .out of habit or obligation to our fellow sisters/brother's in Christ, we skip certain parts? We write "between the lines"? So that everyone else who's watching us still knows that in spight of whatever we're going through our faith has not been shaken and we still trust in God. Or how about we don't reach out to let other's know how we feel because it's not allowed, it's not really accepted; people, other fellow Christians don't really want to hear or read that kind of stuff, especially read it. Or we cocoon ourselves on purpose. I see it all the time. Someone makes a statement "I feel sad" or "I'm dealing with this" and they usually get a flood of responses to the affect of, "God's in control sister/brother!" or "You should be feeling blessed!" or "Don't give the devil any foothold!" or "You can do ALL things through Christ!" We are Chrisitians, yes, followers of Jesus Christ, yes, we are the salt of the earth, yes, we are to be role models, yes...but in role modeling we can't just wear one type of garment here. Know what I mean?
The real deal is this...it has truly been a tough year for me and for my family. You get so used to a lifetime of encouraging others and helping others and being that spiritual warrior that when you find yourself facing your own intense battles you can loose sight of what it means to stand and remain strong. The definitions get blurred, especially if you feel your identity is being lost. I had found myself in a hard place and I am not ashamed or afraid to say it...at least not now.
Just last month I was back in my hometown staying with family and visiting with our eldest daughter who broke her arm and my youngest sister who was in the hospital for an acute condition. (Which by the way they are both doing very well now.) While in Richmond I attended one of the women's ministry meetings, just to peak in and say hi, not intending to stay long. The ladies of the church were having a special dinner and fellowship together. I recognized most everyone of the dear women there and hugs and kisses went all around as I greeted each one.
Part of me wanted to leave and the other part of me was wrestling to stay. It was difficult for me emotionally because I worked hand in hand with many of them and at one time directed that ministry. I missed them. The eating part was about over and Josette who was leading the meeting pulled me aside to ask if I would stay and "give a word" to the ladies. A "word"...hmmmm. At first I was reluctant, asking "are you sure?" Not really knowing what to say or what I should say, all the while still steeped in my own inner turmoil that they knew nothing about. After going back and forth within my own head for a bit I agreed and sat down while the ice-breaker games began. I could not even keep a poised face during the ice-breaker games, It was all getting too emotional for me..."they are just playing games for cryin' out loud!" I told myself.
Game time was over and Josette introduced me. I found myself standing at the little podium facing the sweet women, all ages, with eyes fixed upon me. After a quick greeting and update on my family it didn't take long for me to get choked by own tears and deep emotion, knowing full well I had nothing to give these women. "I should be sitting where you are and you should be standing up here. This last year has been a very miserable time for me."
I went on to share that although I knew that God has His plans for us, it has not been without it's challenges. My days and nights have seen many tears and I've experienced a depression so deep that I was concerned for my own mental health. (Depression has not been a stranger to me in my life, unfortunately, and is something I have battled with from time to time, starting at a young age.) It's not something I am at ease discussing but nevertheless I do and I have and will continue to do so. God has used it before and I know He will use it again to somehow minister to someone else. (But that last statement wasn't going through my mind at that moment either.)
I shared about the stress of the adjustment for us, for me, moving from Richmond and also including the move from a couple years before when we first left for Ghana in 2007 and then moved back to Richmond in 2008. I don't think we ever got over having to move back from Ghana so soon after one year. Speaking for myself, there was a part of me that was left behind in Ghana and I continue to work on giving it to the Lord every single day. Making the decision to move on from Richmond was very, very hard and then moving again from New York to West Texas all in less than a year, it still gets my heart beating fast just thinking about it all.
During all of this I found myself asking God when are we going to get there? Where is "there"? Is this our final stop? On top of it all our eldest daughter graduated a year early from high school and remained in Richmond to attend college while living with my parents. Not an easy thing for me as the mom, although I came across very strong and stoic, in hindsight, I think I had to in order to be able to handle everything else. All of these stresses were slowly tearing me a part.
I made a decision that night at the women's meeting to just be me. To share my own reality with care, but to be transparent. I had a choice, to either seclude myself, which I have done before, or be transparent, in a responsible way. The other choice, I could not do...and that would mean that I would have to be super positive: God's got it, I'm ok, you're ok, we're all ok! The latter was just not an option. I sobbed as I spoke trying hard to manage my emotions and swallow my tears, sharing things that I was going through, including certain thoughts that I was batteling in my own mind which I had been keeping to myself and hesitated to speak about it out loud. As I was sharing my heart I did not feel ashamed but if anything I felt a sense of desperation from all of the lonliness this past year has brought. Here I was in a room full of women who's hearts were so full of love that night for me, they didn't have to say it, I could just feel it as I was speaking. I had been so desperately craving friendship and fellowship and that special kind of nurturing that only women can give, one friend to another.
The more I shared the stronger I felt. I talked about what it has felt for us to be "the new people" visiting churches and about those experiences that I never truly felt before because I was raised from a little girl to an adult in the same church family and in the same city and state virtually all my life, with the exception of living in Africa. Towards the end of my speaking I thought to myself, although I spoke gently and gave careful timing to my words I've probably surprised everyone but I don't care anymore. I had to let this out, I had to say, hey, I'm not "all together, all the time"! When I came to a close the women one by one began to give me words of encouragement but it was different. This time it was different. It was like they "heard" my heart and different ones with tears in their own eyes told me they needed to hear that. They needed to see that someone like myself that was in a pastoral role goes through the same stuff they do. In turn they loved me with few words which sometimes is all you need.
I've written all of this to say, this IS my update. My reality is that whatever shape God molded me in last, He saw fit to mash me, the clay vessel, up again, and start over. It's been hard because I was already used to that shape, I was also used to the shelf, the "setting" where God had me placed in last, so I was surprised when He took me, he took us, off the shelf and said, you know what, I'm doing some re-arranging here...it's time. (Now I will admit that while I feel that the Lord put this analogy on my heart it doesn't mean that I'm happy about it!)
One of the last things I told the women that night was be careful what you pray for :) I think our idea of a sabbatical and God's was definately two different things! I say that with a slight bit of humor. My faith in God is still strong and I know God has a plan, I just want to know what it is, where it is and when, like everyone else. We've hit the ground running for so long that right now it's like God is saying rest in me...and we are.
Footnote: There are many details I've left out because what was on my heart didn't lend itself to sharing all the in betweens in this post. However, feel free to post your comments or message us, we'd love to hear from you!-Feliza.
